It is standard practice for parents to share custody when they divorce. Each parent receives a certain amount of overall parenting time and a degree of legal authority. They may also have some financial responsibility in the form of child support.
Ideally, even parents who had intense emotions during their divorce can set that negativity aside and work cooperatively when subject to a shared custody order. Unfortunately, not everyone is capable of sharing custody graciously. Sometimes, one parent intentionally tries to damage the relationship that the other has with their children. They may engage in parental alienation, which can harm not just the targeted parent but also the children.
What constitutes parental alienation?
Parental alienation may involve a variety of different behaviors. The goal of parental alienation is to either punish the other parent or completely destroy the connection that they have with their children. Parental alienation often involves the combination of disruptions to the parenting schedule with disparagement.
One parent talks negatively about the other. They try to manipulate their children into establishing a negative attitude toward the other parent, possibly in exchange for approval or favors. They may suddenly cancel parenting sessions or repeatedly shorten them.
Sometimes, one parent tells the other not to come because the children are sick or don’t want to see them. They then tell the children that the other parent didn’t come because they didn’t want their parenting time. Repeatedly losing out on time with the children or hearing them regurgitate negative statements could be warning signs of parental alienation.
How do parents handle parental alienation?
Research is clear that parental alienation can have negative impacts on children. It may undermine their self-esteem and their ability to develop lasting relationships with others. It can hurt their bond with the alienated parents and also eventually with the parent doing the alienating.
Parents trying to prevent or fight back against alienation attempts need to maintain records. Typically, they have to show up for their parenting sessions even if the other parent attempts to cancel their time.
They might want to take notes of negative or disparaging comments that they overhear the other parent making about them or that the children repeat. Social media posts, text messages and threatening language during phone calls can also all require documentation to validate claims that one parent wants to interfere in the relationship that the other has with the children.
Once there is enough documentation to show a pattern, it is then possible to ask the courts for support. Family law judges may enforce the current custody order. They may reprimand one parent for interfering with the other’s access and order makeup parenting time. In some cases, a judge might agree to modify a custody order to reduce the legal authority and parenting time of the parent putting their own selfish wants ahead of what is best for the children.
Parents who believe they have experienced parental alienation while sharing child custody may need help assessing the situation, documenting what occurred and asking the courts for assistance, and that’s okay. Recognizing attempts at parental alienation can be the first step toward holding a co-parent accountable for unethical and inappropriate conduct.
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